Hope is a Four Letter Word

Standard

Hope (def.): the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Pff. I don’t have a lot of that left. Try insanity, as defined by Albert Einsten; “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Yup, got that one down pat.

Each failed cycle I can feel myself getting more bitter and impatient (you’d think this would be a good lesson in patience but it’s just making me more impatient if anything). I am afraid this experience is changing me for the worse, as that impatience has spilled over into other areas of my life. I am weary and jaded. Every new pregnancy announcement, ultrasound photo, baby bump, facebook announcement make me want to hurl my computer against a wall. I am turning into a hard, bitter person. I tolerate less and less from other people, though I should really be cutting them some slack, because I have no idea what their story is, just as they have no idea what I’m going through. But I can’t seem steer myself out of that dark place that turns me into a bitch.

I have cycled through a lot of different emotions during our struggle, and sometimes several all in the same day. It is a complicated thing, infertility. I think the loss of control is the hardest part, along with quelling my pain and frustration to keep it from seeping into every facet of my life. With most things in life, if I wanted something I just had to work hard enough for it, and it could be mine. With this, not so much. I want to be an “A” student, I want to win at infertility. I hate feeling helpless.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions that’s for sure but also a learning and growing experience. If I am forced to search out the silver lining, I can admit it it has strengthened our marriage, our communication and my appreciation for our children-to-be. It has also shown me that I am stronger than I thought.

If you would have foretold this struggle to me, I would have not wanted to try, I would have kicked and screamed like a little child (ok I’ve still felt like doing that at some points), but when you’re in it what else can you do but carry on. You have to wake up every morning and put your feet on the floor. Life does not stop just becase you’re suffering.

It’s been a hard-worn battle, and it’s not over yet. I have mad respect for woman who have been through 100X what I have. I hope I still have strength enough left if I get sent further down this rabbit hole.

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19 thoughts on “Hope is a Four Letter Word

  1. I think you are so correct in that with almost everything else in our lives, we have control. We can set a goal, take action, and then achieve that goal. When slapped with infertility, that doesn’t necessarily work. And the waiting during treatment cycles makes it even worse. We’ve been told we have no control in our own conception, and then we have even less control during that TWW.

  2. Hey I just stumbled across your blog, and it looks like we started TTC around the same time. I totally agree with everything in this post. I feel all of the feelings all the time! We ditched BCP in May 2012, did our first IVF cycle in Nov. 13, and in the middle of a frozen embryo cycle right now. I love reading about other people’s experiences through all the craziness of making a baby, it makes me feel less crazy 🙂
    Anyways- good luck, and keep blogging 🙂

    • Thanks for poppin by! Wow your ahead of me on things, Nov. was our first IUI. I used to spend hours online reading IF blogs so I figured why not start one and now I’ve found this great community of women. Good luck with your FET!

  3. I feel you. The bitterness, resentment and hatred is hard to overcome. I took last month’s negative sooooo personally. I felt like a failure. I’ve put a lot of time into meditation this cycle. I’m finding it’s helping to rid my brain of the negativity and leave me in a more neutral position. Hope you find something that helps you get there too.

  4. It’s awful how this all creeps in, this special kind of wanting and jealousy and sheer rage at the unfairness of it all. I definitely go through cycles of crazy, then I can be ok maybe even for a couple seconds, and then I board that rage train again. We are all here with you, all thinking of you, and are here anytime you need to just get all the IF stuff off your chest.

  5. Love this – can totally relate. And as far as I’m concerned, the whole “patience is a virtue” thing obviously applies only to people for whom things always seem to work out in a timely/speedy manner or on issues that just aren’t all that vital. I had to laugh when I read the first paragraph because the Einstein quote is so incredibly apropos – and this just on the tailend of reading an article where a woman spoke straight from my heart when she said that every period felt like a m/c (obviously not meant to diminish the heartbreak and horror of actually going through that). Like you, I’ve become so bitter that I’m surprised it’s not the only thing I can taste in my mouth at this point. I’m impatient with others, sometimes I feel downright belligerent. I swear in the car because other drivers annoy me. I swear at the computer screen and the tv. And then I bawl. So yeah…I totally get it. HUGS!

    • “I’ve become so bitter that I’m surprised it’s not the only thing I can taste in my mouth at this point.”
      Wow, truth. I am so like that too, crazy impatient, road rage, get frustrated so easily. I had a client piss me off so bad today and it was over her own stupidity and it just got under my skin so bad! I used to have a thicker skin…thanks for making me feel less like a crazy person.

      • Please, you are SO not crazy. I think infertility is like an insidious inflammation – it attacks your mental (and consequently physical) well-being on so many levels that you get whiplash just trying to keep up with what part of your heart, brain, etc is currently “under siege”. I have days where I feel fine – but even on those days, there’s always that lingering fear and anxiety about the next time I get angry or resentful about something that might be as seemingly innocuous as a woman with a small child getting a cookie at the bakery. It’s irrational, it’s all-encompassing, and it feels like you’re fighting a war on so many fronts that, some days, you just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over your head. So believe me, YOU are not crazy, I am not crazy – we’re just exhausted from the constant turmoil in our hearts. Hugs!

      • Ah, too true, everything you’ve said. Especially about staying in bed, I find it near impossible to get out of bed in the morning. No matter how much sleep I get I still feel exhausted and I dread facing another at at work. It’s awful to live life this way.

      • I think it’s even worse when, aside from trying to get on with everyday, mundane life, you always have to dread the next baby bump or pregnancy announcement. For me, I’m so grateful for my fellow IFers, especially those who have encouraged me to even start a blog and who keep me going. It’s the only thing that keeps me from completely shutting down: realizing that I’m not alone, and that everything I feel isn’t just “me”, kwim?

  6. I know I am late to the party on this one, but I just wanted to say that you gave a voice to many of my own thoughts. It is insanity, and it does make you a bitter and angry version of yourself. I like the quote/photo you posted. I guess we just have to hope that we will look back someday and be able to say that this was all worth it in the end! Nonetheless, I think we will all carry the scars of infertility with us for the rest of our lives. Thanks for this post 🙂

    • Thank you, I figured many could relate. It is another unfortunate side effect of this whole process, and you are right about it being a scar for life. If you read my reblog of No Kidding in NZ: Infertily’s Waiting Room it touches on how once you’ve travelled down this path you can’t really go back to who you were. It’s a really good post.

  7. J L

    I watched my wife struggle w/ these same things for 3 years of infertility treatments, a miscarriage, and hopelessness. This is the hardest thing, by a long shot, that I’ve ever been through. I always searched others stories, for some hope of prevailing from this terrible experience. This is an experience that gets no sympathy in our society. We’re now 35 weeks pregnant and still praying everyday. I am almost paranoid to post anything due to something else going wrong, but I hope that this is an inspiration to someone. I think that you guys captured the feeling of constant bad news through a time that takes everything completely out of our control. I know that trials grow us closer to God, but I hated every minute of our struggle. I took way to much for granted before this terrible storm, but I am praying for each of you every single day now! You all are not crazy, but are merely dealing w/ something that very few are strong enough to pursue. I truly believe that storms seem never ending when you face them, but we can all look back at them once they pass. I also truly believe that God has a plan for everyone one of us if we can somehow keep our faith. I’m rooting for everyone on of you all!

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