Socializing/Relationship Challenge Day 19

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Happy Superbowl Sunday! And congrats to my team the Seattle Seahawks! So ecstatic about their win. Ok, but enough about football because I’m sure most of you out there could care less. The real story here is the Super Bowl party. We go to one pretty much every year, and usually it’s more of a situation to socialize for the women, while the men watch the game. I had a vested interest this year, plus I also didn’t really want to socialize with the ladies, so I spent majority of my time in the basement with the guys watching the game. I’m pretty sure we were the only childless couple there. The kids ranged in age from about 6 months to 6 years, and there were several of them. I am never prepared for the amount of chaos a group of small children create.

The youngest child there, was a baby belonging to friends of ours who I thought wouldn’t end up having kids. He’s in his forties and she’s in her mid thirties, he has an 18 year old son from his previous marriage and they are the type of people who love to party, jet around doing exciting things, and generally live a very enjoyable child free life. So when I found out they were pregnant, I was a little surprised. Now I am not super close with them, but from what I heard from our mutual friend who has more of an inside scoop is that it didn’t take them very long to conceive. How great for them (watch your feet, the sarcasm might drip on your shoes).

So as soon as we walked in New Daddy came and gave me a hug, and asked what’s new while obviously staring at my stomach and asking “any kids yet?”. I just laughed, and said “no, not yet”, where he proceeded to introduce me to their new daughter. Later in the evening his wife made similar comment, asking about our offspring status. Then just before we were leaving our friend who was hosting the party was chatting with J, and just as I walked into the conversation he was saying, “yeah, someday…” and I said “what?” to which Hostess replied, “oh your pregnant?” (jokingly, goading me on to admit to something). To which I dryly replied, “oh let’s not start those rumours”. Shortly thereafter we made out exit as the kids were getting out of control, and I was about done at that point.

Now here’s the kicker; Hostess and her husband had previously gone through IVF (probably about 2 – 3 years ago). I only got second hand info of this from another friend, but I guess they have since given up. Hostess has a daughter from her previous marriage, so I guess one is going to have to be good enough for them. But I thought it weird for her to make a comment to me about being pregnant, when I’m sure she herself knows how irritating that is. I don’t understand Infertiles on the “other side”, and I hope never to behave that way. So, although it was a fun party, it was another real good reminder that we are broken.

Moving right along, Relationship Challenge Day 19 (yay, only 2 left!)

Beware of Unconscious Overclaiming

In “unconscious overclaiming,” we unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to other people. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. Also, we tend to do the work that we value. I think holiday cards are important; my husband thinks that keeping the air-conditioning working is important.

Studies showed that when spouses estimated what percentage of housework each performed, the percentages added up to more than 120 percent. When business-school students estimated how much they’d contributed to a team effort, the total was 139 percent.

It’s easy to think “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” and ignore all the tasks you don’t do. Also, when you add up the tasks that you do tackle, keep in mind that they may seem less important to someone else than they do to you. You think it’s important to clear out the garage, but this task may not seem as pressing to someone else. 

Resolve to “Beware of unconscious overclaiming.” Remembering that others may be contributing more than you think helps squash feelings of resentment and irritation.

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p>I can see this being a problem, though I think J and I are pretty fair. I sometimes feel like I do more things because I am the one responsible for anything financial, plus we share household chores, cooking, ect. but I know he alone does some of the “blue” jobs, and for that I’m thankful. In my work life however, I know for a fact that I do more than some of my coworkers (I suppose this is always the case in any work place, there are just some people who don’t carry their weight). Sometimes it really annoys me, because they feign ignorance of how to do a task, or just outright ignore it. Yet there is one job, that I don’t do, that one of my coworkers does all the time. And she’s been complaining about it lately, which really pisses me off because there are a million and one things that I do that she doesn’t. So I guess, right now I am not getting a whole lot out of this tip, but I wish my coworkers would. Ok, rant off. Until tomorrow!

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7 thoughts on “Socializing/Relationship Challenge Day 19

  1. Yeah…this tip doesn’t do anything for me either. I know for certain that there are things that I do that my hubby doesn’t care too much about f.e. cleaning. It would have been helpful if they had given advice on how to deal with unconscious overclaiming. Some people just suck! Beats me why your friend made such a stupid comment especially since she’s been through the same dilemma herself.

    • Everyday I’m shocked by the things that come out of people’s mouths. I knew we would get some questions/comments at this party but I didn’t see it coming from that friend in particular.

  2. I felt the same way about this tip when I got the email! I’m sure my OH would say he does a fair share around the house, and I’m certainly not denying he works hard. However, I’ll never be convinved that messing around in the garage is as pressing as cleaning the bathroom or making sure we have clean clothes!

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