IComLeavWe/Relationship Challenge: Days 6 & 7

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I’m late, I’m late for a very important date! Today is the first day of IComLeavWe, and it is my first time ever participating. I’ve noticed some people give a little synopsis for those that come to their blogs for the first time through IComLeavWe, so I figure as a newbie, I would do the same. So here’s where I’m at;

My hubby, J, and I have been TTC for 18 months, we are on our 21st cycle, and due for an IUI around Jan. 30. I have had an HSG with no blockages showing, I ovulate on my own and have no major issues, besides having no EWCM (ever!) and I used to have a slightly short luteal phase (that’s been corrected with supplements). J has a low side of normal sperm count and motility and below average morphology. Our RE recommended 3 rounds of IUI to help combat our male factor issues. After that, if it doesn’t work, we will have to have another chat to discuss the next step. I am on 50mg of Clomid from CD3 – 7, and I am unmonitored. So I book 3 tentative dates for the IUI, and then use OPK’s. Once I get a positive I go to the clinic the next morning and away we go. This will be our 3rd IUI attempt and our last cycle of trying for an indeterminate amount of time.

We’ve decided to call it quits for a year (or two) if this cycle doesn’t work. I know that seems crazy to some people, but fortunately I have (a little) time on my side, being only 26 (well 27 next month) years old. Though I would prefer that I was a younger mom, and that I already had a baby if that’s not going to be the case then I need to take my life in another direction for a little while. J and I both want to move cities, and luckily his job could take us virtually anywhere in the world, but ever since we’ve started TTC we have been paused in life, stuck in limbo at a fork in the road. So we are taking back control so that we don’t lose our sanity.

So that’s me in a nutshell, hopefully some of you ICLWer’s get to know me a bit more throughout the week. I am also currently partaking in a relationship challenge through Gretchen Rubin’s website for the Happiness Project. It is an email that gets sent to me daily with tips and ideas that I can use to strengthen and improve my relationship. I feel that J and I are very strong, especially after all we’ve been through but marriage takes work (I never understood this until I was in one) and I am a keener. So I figured if we’re adding stress to our relationship with our TTC efforts I could work on counteracting that! Therefore I present you with Relationship Challenge: Day 6 Dig Deep & 7 Abandon Your Self-Control  (I’ve been a little busy lately and missed yesterday, posting every day is hard!);

Dig Deep

“As part of my Happiness Projects, I’ve identified my Twelve Personal Commandments—the twelve overarching principles I use to guide my thoughts and behavior. (If you’re curious, you can read them here.)

“I read your personal commandments,” a friend told me. “I came up with my own commandments, but I only have four.”

“Oh, what are they?” I asked. I loved hearing other people’s commandments. She listed them: “‘Reach out,’ ‘Love your mother,’ ‘Show and tell,’ and ‘Dig deep’.”

“Those are really good,” I said admiringly. “I especially like ‘Dig deep.’ I’m going to adopt that resolution myself.” 

In my case, I especially need to dig deep with my children. Too often, I speak sharply, lose my patience, or make my (supposedly terrifying) mean face. Controlling my quick irritation is something I struggle to do every day.

We can’t yell and nag our way toward the loving, peaceful, tender atmosphere that we all want to foster at home. 

Resolve to “Dig deep” to react with humor, with patience, with calm. Easier said than done, right? But it’s worth the effort.”

This one takes constant vigilance, you have to always think before you speak, no snap reactions of snark or bite. I always feel so awkward when your with another couple, or a group of people and two people start getting sharp and terse with each other. I hate being that person, and it happens rarely in front of other people but it happens more than I would like in the privacy of our own home, or car. A sharp word, comment, or look really hurts my feelings so I try to stay calm, even when I am really annoyed. It’s a good thing to remember, especially in times of difficulty. I need to gain support, not push J away.

Abandon Your Self-Control

“Instead of working to strengthen your self-control, consider abandoning your self-control, by using the strategy of abstinence. Perhaps surprisingly, for many people, one of the easiest ways to resist temptation is to give something up altogether. 

For “abstainers,” it’s easier to decide that something is off-limits, and never indulge. For abstainers, abstaining requires no self-control; indulging in moderation requires enormous self-control. You spend too much time thinking, “Today, tomorrow?” “Does this count?” “Don’t I deserve this?” etc. As an abstainer, it’s easier to say, “I never eat French fries.” 

On the other hand, some people are “moderators” who do better when they act with moderation, because they feel trapped and rebellious at the thought of “never” getting or doing something. If you’re a moderator, it’s easier to say, “I can have a few French fries.” 

There’s no right way; different approaches work for different people. Recognizing which one suits your nature provides a very helpful strategy for resisting temptation.

The abstainer/moderator split affects relationships, because often a person of one camp will try to persuade a person in the other camp to convert. Abstainers tell moderators, “You should go cold turkey!” and moderators tell abstainers, “It’s not healthy to be so rigid, you should get more fun out of life.” Moderators don’t understand why abstainers don’t want to keep cookies in the house, and abstainers don’t understand why moderators seem to keep breaking their own rules.

Resolve to “Abandon your self-control.” Identify the strategy that allows you to forget about exercising self-control, in order to boost your self-control. And when people in your life are trying to abstain, or to be moderate, don’t interfere with the strategy that works for them.”

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p>Ok, this one really spoke to me. I am totally a moderator. If I tell myself that I absolutely cannot have something, I want it more than ever. I’ve tried to give up soda cold turkey and I just. can’t. do. it. I can manage for a few days but the fact that I have to think, “oh no I’m not allowed to have that. I’ll have to choose something else” it just makes me constantly think about what I’m denying myself. I’ve also read that if you exercise self control for one thing, you will have less of it for other things. It is like a muscle, it can only stretch so far, and then you have to release it, let it snap back and take a break.

I just can’t understand these hyper vigilant dieters who won’t touch carbs for years. No way. But at the same time I can see how to those types of people it is a slippery slope and they’d rather just not chance it. I, on the other hand, could buy a bag of chips/chocolate/insert your vice here and just have a little bit. It doesn’t take much to satiate me, so I can have a little treat and then leave it at that. Dr. Pepper is still my downfall though, and I just can’t deny that. Sometimes, you just have to allow yourself that one thing.

So welcome ICLW, don’t be lurkers, I’d love to hear from you!

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6 thoughts on “IComLeavWe/Relationship Challenge: Days 6 & 7

  1. Hi from ICLW and thank you for visiting my blog!

    You’ll enjoy ICLW I think, it’s nice to get so much higher blog traffic and gain a couple friends here and there. When you’re going through IF …. you kinda need a big community behind you!

    My hubby and I just finished a break, so I totally get where you’re at. And we got to it the same way you did…. we were 26, wanting to make a big move and change careers – and we just knew we couldn’t do it if we were TTC (there’s just no room for anything else!). So we put a hold on the baby making, made the move, changed careers, got a new house…and now we’re just starting to begin it all over again. I was so worried about finding a new medical team and having to start all over again – but I have to say, it was a very good thing for us. We just feel so refreshed and so much stronger this time around – and I actually like my new medical team much more than the old one. So, although I hope you have success, if you don’t – a break can be such a good thing for your sanity and yourself.

    Best of luck to you and your hubby!

    • Thank you! It’s nice to hear someone else who took a break to gather themselves. I sometimes think maybe I should just keep at it rather than breaking it up and stretching it out but I just need to move in a different direction if it doesn’t happen this time. All the best with your second go at it!

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