So I’m not feeling all rainbows and puppies and positivity towards our next cycle, and life in general. I went to acupuncture today but I just don’t know how I feel about it anymore, plus my acupuncturist is going home to China for a month as of Wednesday so she can’t do anymore treatments for me. She did suggest some Chinese herbs for J and I to take and she gave me her personal email address, she seems to genuinely care. But I just can’t help but not entirely buy into the whole thing. I am a science and facts person and my acupuncturist is always talking about how Western medicine says this and that but really it’s not like that. I mean, I grew up with Western medicine so it’s hard for me to consider other options. I’m trying to be open to it but my patience with this whole situation is growing thin, and I just want to get it all over and done with.
I know that’s not the healthiest attitude going in but I feel so close to some form of respite or resolution, whether it be in a successful pregnancy, or my choice to take a break and take back control over my life (for a time), that I am weary of the waiting. I don’t really think that just because I have negative thoughts, it will bring them to fruition. I choked down the book “The Secret” (actually I listened to the audio version in my car because I couldn’t force myself to read it) and I thought it was the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard. Sorry to those that try and live it, but it is not for me.
So I’m not going to force myself to think positive thoughts, and recite mantras to myself, it’s only going to make me crazier. I am going to survive, no matter the outcome. I have another appointment for acupuncture (with a different practitioner) Wednesday, and probably should go one more time either just before, or the day of my IUI. I haven’t decided whether I’m going to go or not, but I have the insurance coverage for it so it’s not costing me anything but my time. I am going to try and continue to exercise more, eat healthier and try and be better for this cycle, but also going forward. Just because IF has pushed me to evaluate my lifestyle, and try and make changes for the better, doesn’t mean I will drop it if we end up taking an extended break from TTC.
I know I’m all over the place, and I’m sort of talking like this cycle isn’t going to work, and honestly I don’t have a ton of hope that it will. It hasn’t worked ever, not naturally in 18 cycles, or with assistance for the previous 2 IUI cycles. So it just makes me wonder if the previous two IUI’s didn’t work, what’s different about this one. But we shall see. It’s really out of my hands, I’ll take my Clomid (started today), I’ll use my OPK’s, pay them to squirt J’s swimmers into my cervix and sit and wait the painful wait. I just want to move up to the next level or drop out all together. I’m tired of being held back. So, that’s that.
Onto the Relationship Challenge: Day 5 Give Warm Greetings and Farewells;
My Sixth Splendid Truth holds: The only person I can change is myself. It’s so tempting to focus on the changes that other people should make—but we don’t get to hand out assignments. So generally, I make resolutions only for myself.
However, in complete contradiction, I did make an exception to my Gretchen-only policy. I asked my family to adopt the resolution to “Give warm greetings and farewells.”
I’d noticed that we’d fallen into a bad habit; when a family member came home or left, we barely looked up from our games or homework or books or newspapers. I wanted to have a more attentive, more loving atmosphere in our home.
“What would you think about us all making a resolution together?” I asked them. “We could resolve that when someone comes home, or is leaving, we all pay attention to that person, to give a warm greeting or farewell.”
Somewhat to my surprise, my husband and two daughters immediately agreed. But would we remember to do it, without nagging? I didn’t want a resolution meant to boost our feelings of affection to turn into a source of conflict.
In fact, without much effort, we all began to follow the resolution (most of the time). It feels like a natural thing to do, and the more we do it, the more engrained it becomes.
As a consequence, several times each day, we have moments of real connection among all members of our family.
Resolve to “Give warm greetings and farewells.” This simple action will make you feel more connected to the members of your family.
I sort of touched on this with the “Give Gold Stars” topic, that J and I always make sure to give each other a kiss hello, or goodbye. We always say “I love you” before we depart from each other or say goodbye on the phone. I sometimes have the habit of coming home and just dumping stress or stuff that’s pissing me off but I try to remember to greet J nicely, and not launch into a tirade as soon as I get home. And sometimes after we greet each other, have a little chat and a kiss hello, I don’t feel like talking about my (usually insignificant) bothers.
This is going to sound totally hypocritical of what I said in the first part of this post, but I feel like negativity begets negativity, at least in relationships. When I am in a bad mood and come home that way it can rub of on J, and vice versa. I am very sensitive to J’s moods and I don’t like it when something is off. So if we start our encounters off on the right foot we should continue in a positive direction!