Struggling to See the Light

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Good evening my fine bloggy friends, get cozy because this is going to be a long one, I have a sort of two-part post tonight. I am now sitting at 12DPIUI, 3 BFN and losing any semblance of hope that this cycle is a success. I’ve been having some more stronger cramps (an indication that AF is going to be a real bitch this time around), feeling a bit bloated and gassy, and I keep getting that feeling like I am bleeding, only to check my underwear, and nothing. I know it’s not over ’till the Red Lady sings, but I have a feeling she is in her warm ups.

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This has been a hard one let me tell you. I have been feeling as though I have a finite amount of strength/courage/bravery/patience to tackle the beast that is infertility and my stores are starting to dwindle. I’ve been reflecting on previous cycles, as compared to this one and it feels like this one is taking a bigger toll. Over the past few days I have been feeling, well, depressed I guess is the best way to put it. I’ve not been sleeping well, when I wake up in the morning I feel exhausted and that I can’t face the day. I have been having a hard time concentrating on important things like work, and driving. I just don’t have the energy to get anything accomplished lately, even small tasks seem like a lot of work. I just have a general sense of malaise settling over me.

It’s not really that surprising that I am in this place now, it has been a trying 18 months. This is the first time that I’ve really felt it hard but I don’t think it is something that I can’t overcome. I have been vigilantly watching for this time to come as depression/mental illness is in my family and therefore I am at a higher risk. I feel good that I am aware of it, and myself, enough that I can tell myself that this too shall pass (and if it doesn’t I have no problem seeking professional help).

I think this blog has helped me in that it is more than just a way to vent, and commiserate with others in IF land, but it forces self reflection and self evaluation. I often find thoughts will be rolling around in my head and I have the urge to pen notes for upcoming blog posts. This has helped me organize my thoughts, realize what I am feeling and release it. Also, I am not the best writer and this is a pretty good and harmless way to try and improve.

In putting my thoughts into this blog I’ve also notice there general tone is not a positive one. Now this doesn’t entirely surprise me, because for one infertility is not all kittens and lollipops, so discussions can turn dark. Also, I am not the most optimistic person, so I can have a hard time seeing a silver lining. But on that note, I’ve decided that I am going to try and include more positivity in my blog (even if my own woes contradict said positivity) because nobody likes a Debbie Downer.

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*For those of you that get this reference, you are awesome.

So anyways, I was thinking of ways I could bring positivity to my blog by focusing on something else in my life that I have more control of, because obviously putting more focus on my empty womb is clearly not the direction I need to be taking this. So it got me thinking about books I’ve read on happiness, and positivity (just because I am a pessimist, doesn’t mean I don’t try to look on the bright side…). The first one that came to mind is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary D. Chapman. It’s a good book, although a bit hokey, the principle is sound. But then that got me thinking about a book called “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. You may have heard of it because I’m pretty sure it was a best seller.

Now I am generally pretty skeptical and reluctant to dive into self help/improvement type books but I did like this book. It played well to my analytical brain as it wasn’t just all feelings and fluff, but organized, tangible things you could do to try and bring more happiness into your life. Gretchen has since wrote another book “Happier at Home” which I didn’t love as much. She also has a website that started from The Happiness Project that has a toolbox with article, tools, ect. to help you on your happiness journey. So I figured that would be a quick and easy way to pluck some positivity out of my life, and maybe bring a little sunshine back. You can visit her website here to check out all she has to offer. She has a daily inspirational quote email that you can sign up for, which I used to, but then grew tired of receiving them…

She also has a section called 21 Day Happiness Project. There are 4 that you have to pay $4.99 for, and one free one, which was the first one she ever put out and based on it’s popularity she decide to create more. The free one is based on, you guessed it, relationships! Though I am pretty confident in my marriage I know it is something I can never take for granted, because we don’t have a baby but we have each other, and that might have to be enough. Our marriage is one of the reasons we’ve waited a few years after our wedding to even start trying. We wanted to focus on us, and making sure we were strong before deciding to take on a new challenge. Anyone who says marriage isn’t work might see themselves with divorce papers in the not so distant future, or find themselves in a very unhappy marriage.

So I signed up for the relationship project, and it consists of one email per day for 21 days that offer me tips and suggestions of things I can implement to improve my relationship. So as it provides me something else to focus on for 21 days, and something else to write about, you get to come along on the journey with me.

As soon as you sign up you receive the first email of the 21, now since I signed up in the evening, this one is sort of a write off, but luckily it is something I already do in my marriage. Yay for me! Todays tip was, “Kiss in the morning, kiss at night”. Now J and I are not hardcore PDA type people but I feel we are very affectionate with each other. He always holds my hand when we are out somewhere, we always kiss in the morning before leaving for work (ok, generally J kisses me as I am still half asleep when he leaves for work), we always greet each other with a kiss whenever one of us comes home, and we generally kiss goodbye in any circumstance. We also always kiss goodnight, even if I am not coming to bed right away, I will “tuck” J in, wish him sweet dreams, and give him a kiss. Yeah, I’m a night owl and like to stay up late, whereas J works early and likes to go to bed early. Not always the best for baby making rituals, but we make it work. We also always finish any phone conversation with “I love you”, and same whenever we part from each other (to go to work, or just leaving the house for a bit). So I think we’ve got this one down.

Is it something you need to institute in your relationship? It’s something simple but makes you focus solely on your partner for those few seconds (or longer…). So as I go through my 21 (well now 20) days I shall share the wisdom among you! Enjoy.

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8 thoughts on “Struggling to See the Light

  1. Great post! Looking forward to your 20 days of relationship wisdom. And, you are right, marriage is work and should never be taken for granted. I might learn a thing or two here 😉

  2. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down about this cycle. Have you tested yet? Hold on a little longer, like you said it’s not over until AF comes! I know it’s “easier” to brace yourself for the bad news though. I totally get what you’re saying about the depression too….I’m right there with you. And I too feel good that I can recognize the signs, but some days it’s just hard after work to convince myself to do ANYTHING except for crawl in bed and watch tv. I know it would really help me mentally if I would exercise, or go out with a friend or hubby….but I just can’t do it some days, yesterday was one of those days for me. I tried counseling a few months ago, probably for 20 sessions. I felt like it helped me, but not tremendously.

    I really liked your post about the books and that website too…..I am definitely going to check that out. I didn’t even realize stuff like that was available…thanks for sharing!

    • Yes, I’ve been testing for the past 4 days…all BFN. At first I thought, “well maybe it’s too early” but now I think I am just not pregnant. I think the fact that I still get out and do things, yoga, I am in a bowling league with some girlfriends, go out for dinner, ect. helps even though sometimes I really don’t want to. But I have to get up for work, and once I am up and out of the house I do better, and try and keep busy. I’ve done counselling for other issues before and it was helpful but I don’t know if it would be in this situation unless I found someone who specifically works with infertility, otherwise they can’t possibly relate. So yeah, bringing in the positive to combat the blahs!

  3. You know what else is sad? Feline AIDS.

    Optimism is good, but so is realism. Try to balance the two. But don’t let the Mary Sunshines and their happiness propaganda brigade make you think you should feel any other way than you naturally do.

    • Ha ha ha, thanks for that.

      I am definitely more of a realist, and though I know I could use a little higher dose of positivity, I’ll never be one of those Perky Pollyanna’s, it’s just not in my nature.

      I just started following you recently. Congrats on no more night shift. Welcome to the daylight!

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