Glimmers

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Today I am 9DPIUI. I still don’t really feel anything, PMS or otherwise. My boobs were a little sore yesterday and this morning, but that’s not entirely unusual for this time in my cycle when I’m getting closer to when AF shoud start. I have a beta requisition for Jan. 18, 2 days after I should get my period. I guess they figure they don’t want to waste time on a blood test if I haven’t even waited to be late. But I want it sooner!

I have moments where I feel a glimmer of hope, but then I remember how badly the IUI went this time (see this post). I am trying not to get my hopes too high, so that I am not disappointed. Again. I mean, let’s be real, I’m going to be disappointed if it doesn’t work, but it’s all about controlling the degree of heartbreak and I’m aiming for less than a 3/10. I don’t want water works, I don’t want tantrums, but that’s not my style anyways.

I have become resigned to my period. She’s shows every month, mostly like clockwork. If this were a science experiment (well, it kind of is) that data would show that based on the previous 19 attempts where AF has shown 100% of the time, the likelihood of her showing again this cycle is pretty good. I know that’s not how it works, but that’s how it feels. So it helps me protect my heart to think in those terms. I know J will be disappointed. I know he was last time, though he didn’t show it much.

I am at the point where I feel like I can’t wait any longer. I was trying to convince myself that I would wait until 12DPIUI, but I don’t think I can do it. I think tomorrow may be the day. I may get a false BFN by doing it that early or I may get a real BFN, but it’s like a crack addict taking a hit (or so I would imagine), just by POAS it takes the edge off and helps me wait it out a little longer.

I am sooo good at rationalizing things in my head, and talking myself in circles, so here is my reasoning for testing tomorrow;

* J and I will both be home, all day.

* We have no plans, except to go to yoga.

* It gives us the day to digest whatever news.

* All of these will be a moot point if it’s negative because then I’m not even going to tell J that I tested.

So there you have it. There may be a day or two of silence from me either way but I’ll come back with the result in a couple of days.

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7 thoughts on “Glimmers

  1. Ugh you are so close, yet so far still! I am horrible at resisting the urge to POAS. I put it in my calendar for 12dpo each month, but I usually cave at 10 dpo. I even tried 2 cheapies this week just to see what the HCG BFP looks like (insane – i know, I don’t plan on testing it out so why waste tests?) Good luck tomorrow!

    • Frick. I know, it’s so hard. If I did a trigger I would totally want to test it out. A girl in one of my IF buddy groups did, just so she wouldn’t test early and get a false positive. Plus it would be cool to see a BFP from my urine lol. Is it awful that I want to go to bed at like 8pm tonight just so I can get up in the morning and POAS? If I’m sleeping I can’t think about it! Ha ha.

  2. I tested my trigger out so when I got my BFP @ 14dpo back in 2008 I knew it was real. I called the doctors office and told them I wanted my beta–they wanted me to wait until 20 dpo! Uhm, no, I want it NOW. So I fully feel you here. Good luck, I hope that your BFP is on the horizon and that the darn science experiment changes venues to that of pregnancy outcome in stead!

  3. I am a POAS fool!!!! I think I spend over $50 a cycle. But that’s mainly because my cycles last up into day 50ish so I’m constantly testing. I’m hoping and believing for ya girl!!! I know that one day, you will see those two double lines and I can’t wait to read about it 🙂 Enjoy tomorrow no matter the outcome!

    waitingforbabybird.com

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