Bitter is the New Black

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I totally stole that title from a book by Jen Lancaster (hilarious by the way). But it is pretty on point with how I’m feeling right now. My pregnant best friend came over today with her little boy to have a quick visit and borrow some luggage from me for her upcoming trip to Mexico. This is only the second time I’ve seen her since she told me she is pregnant. She is now 15 weeks along. It just seems like her pregnancy is racing along at lightning speed.

The last time we got together we did some shopping, had lunch and took her little guy to “see Santa”. Literally, we just looked at Santa. Her little guy is in a stranger danger age and apparently would have freaked out if we would have popped him up on Santa’s lap. But in any case, there were distractions, and Christmas was coming so we didn’t talk too much about her being pregnant, and she didn’t ask about our (in)fertility treatments.

Fast forward to today, and it’s just the three of us. While she was trying to visit and stop her son from getting into everything we had some idle chit chat. I asked her about her pregnancy, but not right away. I really didn’t want to ask at all, but I figured that would be a bitchy thing for me to do. She did not ask me about treatment, or what was going on with us. I was slightly offended but at the same time she probably thinks that I don’t want to talk to her about it anymore, which is sort of true. But it still stings that she didn’t ask, because she always used to check in, and see what was up. She would probably have been the first person I would have told once we got a positive, because she always knew when I should be testing. Not so anymore, I could probably very easily keep it from her since she doesn’t know where we’re at with our treatment.

She didn’t stay long, and I think she feels a bit awkward too. I was feeling a bit melancholy after she left, and J came home from work shortly thereafter. He asked me how our visit was, and then he asked me this gem of a question. He asked me if Best Friend and her husband were pregnant, or still trying. I must have gotten a bit shrieky because when I told him yes, they were pregnant, that I had already told him that, he got a bit defensive. I tried to tone it back from there, but reminded him that I told him several weeks ago that she was pregnant. In fact, I told him the whole story of it, recounted here in Life’s A Bitch. He seemed sort of surprised by my vehement insistence that I had already told him, and kind of shrugged and said, oh yeah maybe, I guess I forgot. Awesome, I’m glad you can just sweep that dagger under the rug. I mean, it’s not his best friend, so ok, it doesn’t hit as close to home. But I was pretty upset the night I came home and told him she was pregnant.

So, I just left it alone, and started dinner, keeping myself busy in the kitchen. J was making small talk with me while I was cooking and I was rather quiet, and not giving him much for a response. He asked what was wrong, and I replied that I was just a bit upset after seeing Best Friend. He then asked me why. Seriously. Did we not literally just have a conversation about her being pregnant? So I calmly, and slowly responded to him, “Because she is pregnant, and it is hard for me to be around her because I’m not”. To which he replied, “oh”. Men are seriously from a different planet sometimes.

I know that our situation effects (affects?) him differently, and again, it’s not his friend. But still. I felt like we are living two totally different and separate lives. This just made me even more upset, so then I am cooking dinner, stewing on the events of the day and trying not to cry in the risotto.

So paint me black, and I can live in my own dark infertile hole alone. Sorry I don’t have a lot of positivity to give towards the process lately. I promise I’ll try and be better.

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6 thoughts on “Bitter is the New Black

  1. I just had a good friend wait to tell me until 20 weeks. We live far away from each other and I saw her at 12 weeks and she didn’t tell me. 😦 It completely broke my heart that she couldn’t celebrate with me, but I’m so glad I don’t have to see her often. I completely understand the way you feel about your best friend- it’s not that you’re not happy for her, but it’s that her pregnancy is a reminder of your pain, of what you’ve been through, and the fight you still may have ahead of you. I’m so sorry about your husband too. Men are completely different in this journey. The first announcement that we’ve experienced was exactly like that- my husband couldn’t understand why I was so upset. It’s better now though.. now he has learned. Husbands really do mean well, but they are so clueless sometimes aren’t they?

    • I don’t see my friend as often as I should since we live fairly close to eachother but she told me she was pregnant the day after I got my period on an IUI cycle. She was hoping that we would both be pregnant together, so she was super upset when she told me that she was pregnant, knowing that I just had a failed cycle. It was just not a nice experience for either of us really. We live in different worlds now since she has a kid (soon to be kids) and I don’t so it’s getting harder to relate too. It stinks. As for my hubby, this is far from the first announcement, practically everyone we know is pregnant (that might be a slight exaggeration lol) so I don’t know why he was so blase about this one, of all people my best friend. I dunno, I was just incredulous at his reaction, or lack thereof. Men :p

  2. Yes, men do live on a different planet when it comes to how to deal with this stuff. I wrote a blog about it several months ago but I could even add more to it at this point…here is the link…

    http://waitingforbabybird.com/category/marriage-and-infertility/

    I am sorry things are Packard and hard between you and your friend. I remember when I quit seeking fertility treatments but my best friend continued it was hard for me to be around her again for some reason. It wasn’t her…it was me. I had trouble asking her about the treatments and I just really wanted the conversation to be of something else so I tried my hardest to never bring it up. I am sure this affected her but I had to protect me and I also didn’t want her to fee awkward since she knew I had quit and was trying to go all “natural” again. I guess what I’m saying is…when it’s awkward, people try to avoid the convo all together. Your friend was trying to probably avoid it because she might feel guilty or bad or doesn’t want to upset you, or even make it look like…”hey! I’m pregnant lets talk about me being prego and you not all in ten minutes.” loll!! and your hubby probably is trying to ignore it hoping it will all just go away and you wont be upset anymore. Guys have a weird way of thinking when it comes to feelings. Sooo frustrating. I hope you have a great weekend!!
    waitingforbabybird.com

  3. That entire situation just sucks a big one. It sucks that you had to figure out a way to deal with that pregnant friend news just after a less than ideal IUI. And it sucks more that husbands can’t understand why we get so utterly pissed off that there are way more fertiles out there getting all pregnant. The Hubs told me that his buddy’s wife got knocked up about a month after she was all stressing about not getting pregnant right away. I wanted to shatter every bit of dishware we had. While, at the same time, drinking an entire box of wine (yes, box…far more dramatic than a bottle). Of course he just didn’t get it. Hope it’s getting better, lady!

    • Ha, box of wine. That’s awesome. Made me snicker at my desk at work. I hear ya on just wanting to throw a big hissy fit at the unfairness of life. Just waiting waiting now!

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