Press Play

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For the past 16 months I feel like my life has been on pause. I make decisions in my head thinking, well if I am pregnant by (insert random date here). For every month we’ve spent trying to conceive so far, I’ve used a due date calculator to figure out when I would be due by if I got pregnant “this month”. I’ve cycled through a whole years worth of due dates, and am making the rounds again.

For every vacation I’ve planned, I’ve made sure I would still be able to travel (therefore I pretty much don’t book anything more than 5 – 6 months out). Case and point, I was planning a cruise vacation last month for travel in late April, but had to count out and make sure I’d still be able to fly if I were to get pregnant (I’ll be fine to go, but if I am pregnant, no scuba diving for me). I was afraid that when I went on vacation with J’s family in January of this year that if I was pregnant they would know by my lack of drinking, and not scuba diving (Surprise! Sister in law beat me to that, and it was a pretty dead giveaway).

J has thought about changing jobs, or possibly locations (either within our current city, or moving to a different city). I begged him to not do anything rash as I didn’t want to have uncertainties with his job if we were to get pregnant. I have debated whether or not I should commit to long term training opportunities in my job, if I am just going to end up on mat. leave.

We’re stuck in a rut. Both J and I like a challenge, and do not like to sit and wait. We set goals, we make plans, we move forward. A rolling stone gathers no moss, right? Every month is the same, and every month takes us closer to…nothing.

That’s why we set a timeline for ourselves. We’ve always thought we want to move cities (again), whether it be only 3 hours south of our current location, to where J’s brother, and his brothers wife live. Or further; Europe, Australia, the Caribbean, Stateside? But right now, we feel as though none of these are options. We do not want to uproot in the middle of treatments, and if we get pregnant we are going to stay put for a couple years. But at least if we got pregnant and had to stay put we would have a new goal. If I get pregnant, and bring a baby into the world, we would have my year mat. leave to decide what to do from there. We can revisit our move (or maybe we won’t want to at that point), but it give us a solid two year plan.

So we have a plan in the case of success in pregnancy, or not. It makes me nervous putting a time limit on it, because what if it just takes one more cycle? But I’ve thought that before, every month in fact, since we started TTC, and it hasn’t happened. At least this way, I know there’s an end to the madness, either way. A new future to look forward to. I can press play on our life again.

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10 thoughts on “Press Play

  1. Ughh…I know just how you feel! For over two years I’ve been putting off going into a different professional field. I don’t want to learn something new and then get pregnant where I know I won’t be working for the first couple of years as we don’t have any family around and day cares are too freakin’ expensive. This summer my hubby and I wanted to fly to Germany to visit my family, but we didn’t ’cause I got pregnant in March (mc), but we could have gone after all. Same scenario for the coming year since we’ll be starting ttc the artificial way. I’ve given up making plans for now. At least with a few things I’ll just be doing them regardless of whether I’m pregnant or not…major changes will have to wait for now….so frustrating!

    • Bah, yeah that’s the pits, and I’m sorry for your loss. I make plans as much as I can but know that they may have to change. And as for travel, I could always book whatever I want for whenever and just make sure to purchase travel insurance in case I get pregnant and can’t go! Ha ha.

      • Thank you! Good idea with the travel insurance…I usually don’t purchase them, but I guess from now on I will should I intend to travel anywhere 😉

  2. I can completely relate. I’ve been postponing vacations for 2 years now, declining destination wedding invites because 1 year from now “we hope to be pregnant or have a baby in our arms”. It’s hard to not think like that. My husband suggested we get away last minute for a few days over the holidays, even if it’s somewhere within driving distance… well I just told him we will have to wait until December 27 because I’ll have to pick up my prescriptions! No one realizes how much fertility affects your life.

    • Yup. It’s a burden for sure. I have a wedding that I am in, in July and if my last iui would have worked I would have been 9 months pregnant for it. If I get pregnant from this next iui I’d be 7 mths and probably huge. Plus we’re going dress shopping mid January and I will probably just have found out if the iui worked or not. But if it does I won’t want to say anything, and I’ll have to order a dress. If it comes down to that I’ll probably have to call the store back and order a different size secretly. But heaven forbid I got pg but then lost it, and had ordered a larger size. Too many variables!!!

  3. Oh man I feel you. Our last real vacation was in January 2012 and I’ve been pushing off going back to school for 4 years now. There are definitely other factors involved, but treatments are a big one. It’s crazy and frustrating.

    I feel like we’ve become these people who can’t make plans with friends and family and work more than a couple of days in advance. Idk what my cycle will be like or how often my RE will want to do blood work/ultrasounds, or what-if-I’m-miraculously-pregnant? I’m constantly pushing off giving people a yes or no to plans, or if we do decide to get away for a weekend it’s super last-minute, and everyone must think I’m the biggest flake.

    Yikes. Good luck!

    • Yeah, it causes me stress, especially when I am trying to plan for an IUI and need to get time off work, but I don’t know exactly when I am going to have the IUI until the day before. Plus my work doesn’t know what’s going on with me, so I always have to come up with some lame excuse. I am usually ok with short term plans at this point, but more than 6 months is pushing it. And I’m sure if I got into more aggressive treatment and monitoring it would become a lot more difficult. Annoying!

  4. Yep. I loved this post. This is me, too. Planning on morning sickness, praying for nausea by… August. Or September. Should I plan to skip all major life events and just devote our entire lives to treatments?? It’s so frustrating sometimes. good luck to you!

    • Thank you! I just stopped by your blog, and was reading your post about your IVF plan and I am totally the same way. I am desperately hoping we can have sucess on our first try, but I know it’s not necessarily realistic…All the best to you for your FET and hopefully your plan doesn’t have to go any further than that!

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