Life’s A Bitch

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My best friend and I tell each other everything. She has been my confidante along the way, as I give her all the dirty details of everything that has been going on with us. She had her first child, an adorable little boy, in August 2012, the same month that we started to try to conceive. She has been waiting along with me for my elusive BFP. She has been a great support, listener, and friend. Even though sometimes what I was talking about may have gone over her head as I digressed into acronyms and medical jargon. She never faltered in her support, or kind words. I truly felt she was in it with me.

And then she really was. Some time before her sons 1st birthday, her and her husband decided they wanted another. So again, she ditched the birth control and went back at it. She had had some wonky cycles after her son was born, even once she was back on birth control, so when she came off of it again it did not even out. She ended up having an almost 60 day cycle, in which point she contact her Dr. who agreed that, yes, it was cause for concern.

First we were discussing my infertility, but now we were looking at hers. Her Dr. ordered the standard gambit of tests, and referred her to another Dr. (not sure if it was a RE or OB/GYN) with a recommendation of starting Clomid. I hated that she had to join me in the trenches, even though it would be nice to have someone who truly understood, I could never wish this on anyone.

She knew I had recently seen my RE but we didn’t really get into the details at this point, I was very busy and we hadn’t seen each other in a while. For the first time I didn’t tell her of our impending fertility plans, including the IUI. Not until I had already done it at least. I mentioned to J that it would be very hard to keep this secret from her if it ended up being a pregnancy, as I was going to see her the day AF was due (or not). So he said that he would be ok if I told her if we were pregnant, but would wait to tell everyone else (love this guy). So after this discussion, I turned to my phone to tell her that we had done an IUI, and I should know the results by Nov. 23, a night we just happened to have a movie date.

So I went on my business trip, and managed to make it until 13DPO until I busted out the cheapie internet tests. Stark. White. Faaaack. Ok, wasn’t overly hopefully anyways, moving forward. I text BFF to break the news to her now, instead of tomorrow, because why ruin a perfectly good movie date with shitty news like that. AF showed the next day, so a night out at a sappy movie shovelling junk food into my face sounded awesome!

We meet up, had some idle chit chat, and for once do not discuss TTC (which is a first). We saw About Time, with Rachel McAdams (who I love) which was made by the same people who did Love, Actually (which I also love). But I have to say, not all that impressed. So we start heading out of the theatre, ready to part ways but as we head out the doors BFF stops, and says she has something to tell me, and immediately gets teary. In my gut I knew already. We don’t ever not talk about TTC, and by this point she should have been started on Clomid, and she hadn’t mentioned it at all. She never actually said the words, but she didn’t have to. Her tears told me. She is pregnant.

She didn’t know right away because she was having what she thought was just another really long cycle, but before she called her Dr. again she decided to test, just so she could get it over with and know that it was negative. Except that it wasn’t. And then she was waiting to see me so that she could tell me she was pregnant, and I would tell her that I was too, and it would be amazing. Except that I wasn’t. And so it was most definitely not amazing as I stood comforting my crying friend in the cold night, outside of a movie theatre, because she was pregnant and I wasn’t.

And that is the day I lost my “person”. We recently went out to the mall together, along with her son. It was a bit awkward. We didn’t talk about what was coming down the fertility treatment pipeline for me next. It’s just weird now. She’s 11 weeks pregnant. By the time she found out she was already around 6 weeks, and by the time she told me 8 weeks. As soon as I found out she was pregnant I turned into myself, and ever since I feel like I’ve been drowning in my own thoughts. So that is one of the reasons, I am here, blogging my little heart out. Thanks for listening.

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11 thoughts on “Life’s A Bitch

  1. That sucks 😦 I mean, good for your friend, but I can understand how you must feel now. Infertility sucks! I feel like I’ve been going to high school (ttc) forever and would like to graduate now to college (pregnancy)…or something like that anyhow. Hugs!

  2. londongirl82

    I feel for you. I also started ttc in aug 2012 and have a close friend who us now pregnant having just started trying a few months ago. I don’t know why it is so hard, it just is. I hope your bfp is right around the corner

  3. InfertileMyrtle

    Oh man I feel your pain!! My bestie got pregnant when we had been TTC about 3 months. Of course at that time I was jealous but thought I’d be close behind. By the time the baby was here I’d been TTC a year and it’s been really hard to find ways to relate. I really hope when I do have a baby someday we can reconnect more. We’re just leading such drastically different lives.

    • Yes, absolutely! That’s starting to happen with me too. I’ve been trying really hard to make an effort since she had her little guy, but it’s gotten harder, and now that she has another on the way we are drifting, which is sad.

  4. Stodd

    I have just stumbled across your blog the past few days so I know I am a little behind but thank you for sharing your story it really hits home with me, it’s hard to feel bitter, jealous and I have been struggling to sort out these feelings with all my friends being in the pregnancy/mommy boat when I have been trying for almost 3 years. I know you are pregnant now (congratulations!) & it gives me tremendous hope.

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