Anonymity & Infertility

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Hello out there! I was surprised at how quickly I already gained a few followers, and had some comments on my very first blog post. I had a cooking blog at one point as well, and lemme tell ya, it did not get a lot of traffic. So thanks for those stopping by!

I feel like for the next little while I might be posting (or trying to) everyday, as I’ve had a lot bottled up lately and it’s bursting forward! One of the things I’ve been giving a lot of thought to lately is coming out of the infertility closet. I have a very select few people that even know we are TTC, and I have intentionally kept it that way.

I am a very private person, and this is a very private matter. I did not even want to tell anyone when we started TTC (just in case it took longer, plus I don’t like people thinking about my sex life). I must have some sort of psychic powers, that I saw that one coming. I told my best friend, well, because I tell her everything. We got married the same year, she had her first baby in August 2012 and I lived vicariously through her TTC journey. So she knew the day I threw out the birth control. At that point it was just her (outside of myself and J) that knew, and I liked it that way.

J told his younger brother at some point. His bro and his bro’s wife had their first in Aug. 2011 and were trying for another around the same time, or a little earlier than we had started TTC. J’s brother is a Dr. (in a totally unrelated field, I might add) and had previously succeeded in making children so I think J was maybe looking for some guidance. I was slightly annoyed, but I figured J needed someone to talk to besides me, so fine.

He also told his mother, which I was not as cool with. She was very into her first and only grandchild (my niece) at the time and voiced her wish to have more. Frequently. So when we started looking into why we weren’t pregnant after a year, MIL was privvy to this as well, but it did stop her asking questions, as I think she felt bad for prying before, now that we were having problems. Fine by me. I had actually said as much to a friend, that what if when we started trying we had problems, then wouldn’t she feel bad. Well, yes I’m sure she does. But not as bad as me.

I know J keeps his mom somewhat updated on our process which does bug me, because the only reason my mom even knows that we’re trying/having issues is that I pinned something infertility related on Pinterest and it shared it to my Facebook account (I didn’t really know how to use Pinterest properly at the time, and promptly unlinked the two accounts when my mom mentioned it.). She asked me about it, and I gave her the synopsis. I told her it is upsetting to me, and I don’t like to talk about it, and for the most part she leaves it alone. I know it kills her as I am her only child and she would love grandchildren, but I am thankful that she knows how I am and she does not ask questions unless I am volunteering information (which is rare).

I am not ashamed of the fact that we need help. But I do not offer any information up to people because I don’t need anyone else besides J and I waiting with bated breath to see if this month, is THE month. It is a personal, physically and emotionally difficult, and private process. But, at the same time, I wish people knew so they would stop asking.

Asking when we’re going to have kids, asking how many kids, asking why we don’t have kids yet. It’s getting tiresome. Apparently if you’ve been married for more than 5 minutes you are supposed to be procreating. We purposely didn’t get pregnant for the first 2-ish years of our marriage. We had time (we thought), we didn’t want to rush, we just wanted to enjoy life with eachother. We have done a lot of travelling, we’ve lived in Australia (albeit for a short amount of time) and enjoyed the child-free lifestyle.

I have a friend who like to ask, and pester as to when we’re going to have kids. She is a very sweet person, so I don’t want to be super harsh and say something snarky the next time she asks. I’ve debated sending her a private FB message, so not to embarrass her out in public, or in front of other people but that just seems like a cop out. She just recently (this weekend) was giving me a hard time, in front of a bunch of J’s family members. Luckily I had my mouth full, so I just gave her a tight smile and kept my mouth shut.

I also have to mention that she is a Fertile Myrtle. She has a 2 1/2 yr old, an 11 month old and is currently 5 months pregnant. That last one was an oopsie. When she told me, I instinctivley shrieked, “What?!”. Way to play it cool. But it was a surprise to her, and me, so it wasn’t totally uncalled for. With all three of her pregnancies she has conceived very quickly and easily, so she is the last person who I would expect to understand infertility.

Eventually I would like to be open to people about our struggles (preferably once we are safely pregnant, and not still in the throes of treatment), I just don’t know how to go about it. Facebook seems like a good medium, but sort of impersonal and a bit of an overshare. I don’t like to post a lot of personal type stuff on Facebook, so I’m torn. That is the main reason this blog is fairly anonymous, I’m not quite ready to sing it from the mountaintops. I think if someone knew me, and stumbled on it, they would figure it out pretty fast, but so be it. If they got here, and read all of this, somehow I would have less of a problem with them knowing.

How have any of you come out about your infertility struggles? Or are you still hiding? What’s life like out in the open? Once we are pregnant (if that happens) and announcing it to others I really would like to let them know what it took, so that they don’t just assume I’m a normal fertile. At the same time, I know J might be uncomfortable with this.

But, if us infertiles don’t try and educate the masses, or at least set them straight when they’re being douche-y, then who will?

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5 thoughts on “Anonymity & Infertility

  1. I just recently started my blog on wordpress and posted one thing about my own infertility so far. I haven’t been running around announcing it to the world on facebook or otherwise, but as my hubby pointed out to me again, whatever you put on the internet will be public one way or the other. It’s all linked together somehow. I’m at a point that I could care less who finds out about it, actually, in some ways it might just stop unwanted questions. I find the more I let out the better I can accept the situation that I’m in, which I find hard at times. So let it all out 😉

    • Yeah, that’s how I see it. If I’m going to blog about it, it’s not private anymore. It is sort of anonymous, but I’m not trying as hard as some blogs to keep it that way. I was actually just chatting with a friend on Facebook today (someone I don’t talk to super often, but we keep in touch). She’s having another baby, so I told her congrats, she said thanks and asked if we are planning on having kids soon? I wrote back some idle chatter and then said “Well, yes we are hoping to have a baby soon, but we’re having some difficulties, so we’re going to a Fertility Clinic now. So fingers crossed that works, and we have a little one soon!”
      I thought it was the nicest way possible I could put it, and I finished the message by asking about her Christmas plans so as not to end on an awkward note. I had a mini panic attack when I hit send, but I feel better just plainly answering her question rather than outright dodging it, or giving some non commital answer. Big step! Ha ha

      • Perfect response and so diplomatic on top of it! My husband would say “you said it perfectly without emotions attached”…I’m still in training for that by my husband…lol. You gave enough information and not too much to bug off further questions 🙂 I will have to remember that 😉

      • Ha ha yes I tend to think really snarky thoughts when people inquire about the status of my uterus but I know she was just asking an innocent question (though I still don’t understand why this is a societally acceptable question). I was sort of nervous as to what her response would be but she was really cool, wished me well and offered her OB/GYN’s info as he deals with infertility too. Great response to my first “coming out”.

  2. I’ve been out of the closet for a long time. I don’t hide my emotions well, so it’s really nice being able to speak what I want to speak when I want to speak it. You still get to decide what you share with whom, but you don’t have to be careful of what you say, around whom, in mixed company, etc.

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